I read a story once about a mother who was teaching her daughter to wash up by herself.

She had prepared the toothpaste and water for her little girl, hoping to train her daughter to be self-sufficient in her personal care. However, just as she was about to leave, her daughter followed, crying and begging, “Mommy, Mommy, don’t go…”

Many families have children who stick close to their parents. They need their parents to follow them wherever they go and keep them within sight every minute. Some parents really enjoy this process, feeling it as a manifestation of their child’s love. Others, however, view excessive clinginess as a bittersweet problem. They worry that an overly dependent child lacks a sense of security and wonder whether this will affect their independence as they grow up. In fact, when your child starts to become clingy, there’s no need to worry; it’s just a little episode in their journey of growing up.

Clinginess is a form of separation anxiety.

I watched a video online about a little boy who really didn’t want to go to kindergarten.

Initially, his mother thought he was just timid and not as brave as other little boys, and chided him saying, “You should act like a boy and not just stick around your mom all the time.”

Although the boy didn’t say anything, his aversion to school only worsened.

Out of options, the mother consulted a psychologist and learned that it is not unusual for children to experience “separation anxiety” when they first leave home.

In psychology, separation anxiety refers to the anxiety and unease that infants and young children feel when separated from family members, typically arising during the pre-school years. At this time, children begin to venture into the outer world, such as kindergarten, and can feel a psychological gap when their living environment changes.

The famous psychologist Sigmund Freud once stated that the most fundamental human anxiety stems from the original anxiety of separation from the mother at birth. He believed that children are not actually afraid of the dark but are afraid of the absence of their loved ones in the dark.

When a child is assured that their loved one is nearby, their sense of security returns, and the fear disappears. A child’s clinginess is a search for the security felt when their mother is close by. If all this occurs before the age of 3, it is perfectly normal, as during this stage a child and their parents are in a “co-dependent relationship.” Fed when hungry, comforted when crying, soothed to sleep when tired… These minute details all contribute to the development of a “secure attachment” with their parents. It is natural for children to want to be close to their parents and seek security from them.

However, if a child is still very clingy at the school-going age of six or seven, it may be worth considering whether the child takes a bit longer to warm up or has limited social abilities. As parents, we shouldn’t be overly concerned with their clinginess, but at the same time, we can’t ignore it. Instead, we should offer appropriate solutions and grow alongside our children.

Don’t let timidity hinder a child’s growth

When I first met Vivian, I thought she was a dedicated mother. Everything she said and did revolved around her child.

However, upon meeting her daughter, I realized that she might have overprotected her, making the girl too timid. The young girl would hide behind her mother every time she met someone new. No matter how many times she interacted with others, she never dared to greet them or engage in any form of interaction.

Initially, I thought she might be socially phobic or introverted. But according to Vivian, at home the girl is quite the opposite: she talks non-stop and has a strong emotional need for her mother, yet she has hardly had any friends her own age. She needs her mother to accompany her in everything she does.

Children like this, who have never been away from their parents, naturally develop a fear of the external world and strangers. They can seem timid and standoffish, which is really just a form of self-protection. Parents may worry that such timidity will adversely affect their child’s growth and fear that they will not be able to socialize normally like other children. In their anxiety, they may resort to scolding or hitting the child.

However, for a child who has not yet fully established a sense of self, blaming them not only fails to foster independence but could also inflict a deeper sense of shame. Parents can start by communicating with their children or observing their habits. For most children, this stage is just a transition. They cling to parents to assure themselves that they are loved, and it is steadfast love and support that underpin their healthy growth. Embrace them, support them, choose the right method, and grow with them – that’s what parents should really be doing.

The best education for a child is helping them find their sense of security

Everyone, on their path to growth, is in perpetual search of security. Wise parents provide love and support during their children’s formative years, using scientific methods to help them grow. Let’s explore how to achieve this.

1. Help your child find a peer social circle.
   No one is an island. Children who feel secure are nurtured by diverse relationships. They feel safe not only from their parents’ love but also from interacting with others. Therefore, as parents, we should scientifically assist our children in joining peer circles. For instance, take your child to the park and see a group of kids playing. If your child doesn’t know how to join in, don’t label them as timid or act as their spokesperson. Instead, help them find commonalities with other children and guide them to join in. “Look, that little boy is playing with a plane; you like that too, right? You can take your plane and play with him.” This way, they get to observe the world and learn to interact with strangers.
2. Show your child the wider world.
   Nowadays, many parents love to travel with their children. Traveling can develop a child’s courage and expose them to a more diverse world, fostering a broader mindset. Children naturally judge with their feelings. In the living world, they can witness the grandeur of mountains, lakes, and seas, as well as the diversity of human society. When the world from the textbooks resonates with the real world, children also become braver. They no longer view their immediate surroundings as everything and don’t see their parents as their only support. Instead, they naturally link to the intricate world during their travels. Sometimes, you don’t need to go far – the local park, a campsite in the suburbs, or a museum can all be excellent choices.
3. Allow children to make independent decisions.
   Some parents, for convenience, like to make decisions for their children. From what clothes to wear, what food to eat, to which friends to make and which paths to follow. This might reduce risks, but it also makes children increasingly dependent on their parents. Smart parents often cultivate their children’s independence from a young age, allowing them to make their own choices. For example, when taking children shopping, let them pick out their own clothes. This not only helps them build independent thinking skills but also subtly cultivates their aesthetic sense. For example, when going to the supermarket, let them choose their own ingredients.

To grow independently in small matters, so that they are not timid about big things.

True love is not just enjoying the closeness of the moment, but learning to consider the child’s long-term interests. Teaching clingy children to be independent and timid children to be brave requires both parental love and letting go with the right methods.