Every marriage inevitably faces conflicts.

Occasional disputes act as emotional “seasoning,” while endless quarreling fills the home with stress, which can occasionally “infect” the children.
Dostoevsky’s Nedochka silently endures her parents’ conflicts; her stepfather and mother often quarrel in front of her, instilling in her heart endless fear and worry:

“Observing the two of them, I fully grasped their mutual relations: I understood their silent, eternal hostility, all the suffering, all the toxic miasma of our chaotic household.”

In a family riddled with “war,” the real losers are the children.
When children witness adults hurling insults, pushing each other, or sulking, they can feel profound pain even if they are not directly involved.

Generally, the younger the child, the more fearful they are of parental discord.

Even infants can become anxious in a prolonged environment of parental conflict.

I once read a survey: infants under six months can sense when things are amiss between their parents, showing physiological signs such as increased blood pressure, faster heartbeat, and stress hormone secretion—responses akin to those of adults.

Infants react to stress by crying, while older children’s responses to stress are more complex.
We’ve outlined a few:

• Loss of Security: “Will my family fall apart?”

When parents lose control, children lose their connection with them.
They fear the family environment is unsafe, worry the parental relationship will disintegrate, and feel abandoned, leading to tension, anxiety, and helplessness:
“How long will Mom and Dad argue?”
“Will they make up?”
“Will they leave me?”
“Will I lose their love?”
These confusing and uncertain issues will overwhelm the children’s minds, making it difficult for them to focus on studies and life until their parents reconcile.

• Feeling Guilty: “They’re arguing because of me.”

Many children take the blame for their parents’ conflicts, often thinking they are the cause of family strife.
Children cannot comprehend why usually loving parents suddenly turn hostile, why a fun dad loses his temper, why a gentle mom keeps crying, but they inherently believe the world revolves around them, leading them to conclude:
“It’s all my fault.”
The book “Secrets of Intimate Relationships” shares a story of a girl who deeply believed:
If she hadn’t been born, her parents wouldn’t have argued.
This, of course, is not true, but children can irrationally feel guilty, making them sensitive, vulnerable, and overly cautious.

• Trying to Save the Family: “I’m going to get them back together.”

A friend frequently argued with her husband, escalating to the brink of divorce. Their 7-year-old daughter also sensed the tension.
One night, the daughter asked her mother:
“Mom, if I behave better, will you and Dad not separate?”
This broke her heart.
As naïve children, we often think we can fix our parents’ moods and save their marriages.
As German psychotherapist Bert Hellinger said, “The child is the family’s guardian angel.”
They strive to be well-behaved and outstanding, thinking as long as they are good enough, their parents will be happy again, and the family will return to harmony.

• Estrangement from Parents: “I just wanted to escape this home.”

As children grow older, they become less sensitive to parental quarrels than in their younger years and would rather escape the toxicity than endure pain.
“I wonder if they’re tired,” one might say. “I don’t understand why they got married, and I don’t understand why life has to be like this.”
If parental marriage imparts such negativity, children may dread coming home.

Upon reading this, some might argue that since quarreling harms children so much, does it mean we should never argue in front of them? Should we completely shield them from any emotional hurt?

Conflict is a natural part of life, especially as parents, where disagreements are more frequent than imagined.

In “The Rules for a Happy Marriage,” Winger Juili states:

“Even in the happiest marriages in the world, there are 200 thoughts of divorce and 50 thoughts of strangling each other over a lifetime.”
Some parents, fearing the negative impact of disputes on their children, intentionally avoid them.

However, we often underestimate children’s perceptiveness. Adults may think they’ve perfectly masked a “harmonious” atmosphere, but children can still detect the coldness and distance, feeling pressured in such contradictory relationships.

In truth, it’s not conflict that harms children but how parents manage it.
The family serves as the best place to learn conflict resolution.

Facing disputes, we can adopt constructive approaches, resolving marital differences while reassuring our children.

How can we achieve this?

At first, assure your child, “It’s not your fault adults argue.”

In the movie “Flipped,” there’s a scene where the parents have a major argument, and their daughter Julie, saddened by it, covers her ears tightly.
Noticing Julie’s distress, her father reassures her, “I’m sorry, it’s not your fault. We’ll figure it out, I promise.”

With their parents’ consolation, children like Julie quickly recover from anxiety.

For your child’s mental well-being, it’s sometimes necessary to clarify that none of this is their fault nor their responsibility:
“We’re not arguing about you.”
“We’re just having a disagreement over some issues.”

Meanwhile, acknowledge the child’s feelings and express your love:
“Did Mom and Dad’s argument scare you?”
“We didn’t intend for you to get hurt, and we’re sorry for not controlling our emotions.”
“Even if we argue, we’ll always love you.”

By doing so, children regain a sense of security and belonging. They understand that parents, like them, can occasionally get upset, and that conflicts are often temporary. Whether or not there’s an argument, it doesn’t diminish their parents’ love for them.

Second, don’t involve children in the conflict.

Some parents, during arguments, drag their children into it, bad-mouthing each other and even urging the child to distance themselves from the other parent.

Children deeply love their parents. For them, both mom and dad are indispensable. Choosing sides feels like betrayal and division, leaving many children in a helpless, confused state.

Regardless of how you and your partner get along, they might not be a good spouse, but that doesn’t mean they’re not a good parent.

In front of the child, try to maintain each other’s dignity, allowing the child to form their own judgment about their parents.

Third, reconcile in front of the children.

Letting your child witness your reconciliation process—holding hands, hugging, apologizing—can provide immense relief.

From venting to calming, from escalating conflict to resolving it, you’re teaching your child to recognize emotions and navigate relational disputes.
Only then will they learn that in healthy relationships, despite conflicts and harsh words, we still choose to love each other.

“I Wish My Parents Had Read This Book” includes a survey:
When asked if “parental harmony is an essential factor in raising happy children,” 70% of children agreed, while only 33% of parents concurred.
Children are perhaps the most eager for their parents’ happiness in the world.

They know that when adults are content, they can share more healthy love with them.

The tragedy of many families lies in doing everything for the children, sacrificing all energy, neglecting partners, losing self-identity, and accumulating resentment, leaving the children unhappy.

When parents fail to live their own lives, it’s challenging for children to find happiness.

Alongside learning parenting techniques, perhaps we should learn to argue constructively and manage relationships effectively.

Between spouses, many arguments are meaningless, often over trivial matters. Why misplace clothes? Who should take out the trash? Should we buy snacks for the children?

The escalation of conflict often stems from unkindness and blame in our tone, dredging up old grievances or speaking harshly.

We need strategies to mitigate the adverse effects of quarreling.
Consider it an opportunity for communication, positively expressing emotions, feelings, and needs. This skilled quarreling can foster “true affection.”

A warm and harmonious family is the best gift parents can give their children.

May we all learn to argue better in the future.