How many parents have “encountered” such scenes while raising their children?
You tell him the water dispenser is dangerous and not to touch it as it’s hot, but he keeps approaching and testing it;
Even though there’s a similar toy at home, he insists on having one from the store, ready to throw a tantrum if he doesn’t get it;
After finishing the nighttime routine and it’s time for bed, the child insists on having candy.

Starting around the age of 2, it seems like children have mastered various ways to infuriate you. They begin to have their own ideas, wanting everything “my way.” And to deal with their unreasonable demands, “No, don’t, you can’t” becomes your mantra.

But have you noticed? Every time you say no, it doesn’t seem to solve the problem. It might even make things worse.
You gradually lose control of the situation, followed by a mutual breakdown~
Where does the problem lie?

Let’s first understand why kids become so “rebellious.”

Firstly, around the age of 2, children go through their first period of rebellion: they become emotionally volatile and difficult to discipline. This is what we often refer to as the Terrible Twos — though it’s not limited to age 2, with some children showing signs as early as 1 year and 3-4 months.

At this time, they’re experiencing the greatest brain development of their lives. A child’s brain forms 700 new neural connections per second, filled with irrational emotions all day long.

When you say no, they still want to continue. It’s not intentional; at this time, 90% of their actions are based on emotional impulses, not logic.
In other words, they also don’t understand why they act this way; their minds keep changing.

Secondly, the development of self-awareness gradually makes them realize “I am an independent individual.”

So, they declare their independence through a series of rebellious behaviors: “Listen to me, I can do this~ Look, I defied Mom, I rebelled against Dad, I have the power to make them lose their temper, I’m so awesome! I am the master of the world!!”

Regardless, it’s quite normal for children to exhibit rebellious behavior at this time. There’s no such thing as a fairy-tale child who listens and obeys everything.

But while it’s normal, when facing these unreasonable demands, and you want to refuse, you need a bit of ingenuity.

1 Some requests can be allowed for trial

Some of the children’s requests, although unreasonable, can be allowed for trial.

Children grow through making mistakes, just like how our immune system needs to get sick a few times to develop the necessary antibodies.

So, if a child makes a mistake and faces the consequences, they learn that it’s wrong.

Therefore, as long as it’s safe, some requests can be allowed for trial. Compared to a flat refusal followed by a meltdown and crying, isn’t the scenario above much more peaceful?

2 For truly unacceptable requests, respect and explain why “it’s not allowed”

When some mothers see their child wanting someone else’s toy or even trying to take it, they quickly intervene: “Don’t snatch toys!”

But for a child under 3, such restrictions are too vague.

“Don’t snatch toys” might work for the moment, but what about when their own toy is taken away? Should they snatch it back? When it’s their turn for the community toy, can they rightfully claim it?

As children grow, the situations they’ll face become increasingly complex. Don’t think you can wait until they’re older to explain everything in detail and teach them to analyze specific situations.

Many behaviors and concepts, once restricted and constrained early on, are hard to return to freedom when they grow up.

So, when saying “no,” first “empathize” with them, respect their thoughts:
“The toy from your brother looks cool, you want to play with it, right?”
Then explain why snatching is not allowed:
“But this is your brother’s toy, so you can’t snatch it, just like how others can’t snatch your toys.”

Don’t underestimate these words. When your child is emotionally unstable, your empathy can let them feel respected, which deepens their trust in you and makes them more likely to accept your subsequent suggestions.

3 Replace “no” with “yes” or offer choices

Think about it, has saying “no” become a habit? Whatever the child does, it’s always this isn’t allowed, that’s not permitted.

However, have you ever thought about it? When you emphasize “Don’t do XX,” you’re also reinforcing “XX.”

There’s a famous psychological experiment called “Don’t Think of the Pink Elephant.”
Cognitive linguist George Lakoff often uses this experiment in his classes. He repeatedly tells his students “Don’t think of the pink elephant,” “Don’t think of the pink elephant,” “Don’t think of the pink elephant”…
As you might guess, the more he says this, the more likely “the pink elephant” appears in everyone’s mind.

So, when you emphasize “Don’t do XX,” children might ignore the word “don’t” and focus on the concrete action that follows even more.

Instead of always saying “Don’t” “Can’t” “Not allowed,” why not change them to “Can,” provide the correct choices, or let them choose?

Correct choices as following:
“Don’t throw things around” can become “Let’s put the toys away together, okay?”
“Don’t shout” can become “When you do that, it hurts Mommy’s ears, can you lower the volume, please?”
“No more TV” can become “I can’t seem to finish this puzzle, do you want to help me, let’s play with the puzzle together?”

Offering choices:
When lingering in the mall and not wanting to go home, you can say, “Do you want to play for 3 more minutes or 5 more minutes?”
When they want to play with the phone right after dinner, you can say, “Let’s play something else, do you want to build blocks with your sister or read a picture book with me?”

In short, avoid giving blunt commands. Even if you say no, you should follow up with what else can be done instead.

4 Establish rules and insist gently

There’s a famous saying in early childhood education: when refusing children, be determined without hostility.

In my opinion, the premise is to have certain rules.

Instead of criticizing and guiding after something unpleasant happens, it’s better to establish rules beforehand.

For example, you can only have one ice cream a day; no candy before bedtime; toys must be tidied up by yourself, and so on.

Sometimes, when children make some requests, they are actually testing the waters. The established rule is one ice cream a day, but they want another after finishing the first. They whine and cry, to see if you will waver.

Once there’s a compromise, they will think the rules can be changed. And the consequence isn’t just eating one more ice cream, but challenging every rule you set thereafter.

So, what we need to do is to stand firm and not compromise easily.

When you want to establish a good habit for your child, the initial persistence is really important!

Although it’s cumbersome and difficult at first, once the habit is formed, it will save a lot of trouble later. At least, you won’t have to spend the entire summer arguing and getting angry over a few ice creams.

When refusing your child, let them see your determination, not your anger!

5 You can deny the behavior, but not the child

Finally, I want to emphasize that we can deny children’s unreasonable behavior, but we shouldn’t deny the child themselves.

I’ve seen some parents, when their child shows rebellious or wrong behavior, not guide the behavior itself, but label the child’s personality.
“You’re too unreasonable,” “Why are you so disobedient,” “You’re really a bad child”…

Little babies might not understand the meaning of your words, but they can sense your negative tone, which affects the establishment of secure attachment.

Moreover, children at the age of 2 or 3 are not completely ignorant; your words can make them feel shame and inferiority. Over time, this might actually form the “disobedient” and “bad child” personality you mentioned.

And once labeling your child becomes a habit, it will become a fixed pattern in educating them, extending to their kindergarten, primary school… This will have a profound impact on the formation of their personality.

So, hope everyone can sound a warning bell for themselves — making mistakes is not shameful, and children should not be denied because of it.