In the eyes of parents, a child’s temper tantrum is often the least charming moment. No matter how much we learn about parenting and discipline strategies, they can sometimes feel ineffective when faced with violent outbursts. A child’s anger can manifest in various ways: stomping, red-faced screaming, crying, or even breaking things, leaving adults feeling frustrated and bewildered.

We often wonder why a child who was happily playing suddenly loses their temper. It’s easy to interpret these outbursts as personal attacks or challenges—thinking, “He’s spoiled,” “He just wants attention,” “He’s deliberately annoying us,” or “He’s testing my limits.” However, it’s important to recognize that children’s tempers often stem from misunderstanding and miscommunication.

In the adult world, there’s a saying: “All human pain is essentially anger at their own incompetence.” Many grumpy adults are actually dealing with vulnerability beneath the surface. The same applies to children, who often lack the tools to manage their emotions and can become easily frustrated.

In this article, we will explore tantrums from a different perspective, aiming to help you maintain your sanity and find a more peaceful way to address your child’s outbursts.

A tantrum is a child’s way of signaling for help, conveying three important messages to parents.

1. “I lose my temper because I feel frustrated.”
People often lose their temper when faced with frustration. Whether it’s being criticized at work, struggling to assemble furniture bought online, or forgetting an insurance card at the hospital, these small frustrations can lead to anger, sometimes directed at those closest to us.

Adults usually have the ability to manage these emotional impulses, but children are different. Their emotional development is a gradual process, and the frontal lobe, responsible for regulating emotions, isn’t fully mature until around the age of 20. This means that children have a limited capacity to cope with frustration and are more likely to lose control.

Small setbacks—like a tower of building blocks collapsing, losing a game, or not getting what they want—can feel overwhelming to a child. Psychologist Ross Greene notes in his book The Explosive Child that a child genuinely wants to do well; their challenging behavior often reflects developmental delays in emotional regulation and frustration tolerance.

In essence, a child’s temper tantrum is not simply willful defiance or a plea for attention. It stems from an inability to manage immediate challenges, leading to feelings of powerlessness.

When faced with an angry child, it’s important to remind ourselves that they are not being defiant; rather, their emotional abilities have not yet caught up. Our rebukes may only exacerbate the situation, rather than resolve it.

2. “I lose my temper because I can’t explain the problem.”
Why do children’s tantrums create such headaches for adults? It’s often difficult for us to understand their real needs behind their moods. When faced with a crying child, it can feel like they’re a mystery wrapped in frustration.

Ross Greene provides an insightful analogy in his book. If you accidentally step on a puppy’s tail, the puppy has three options: scream, bite, or run away. Similarly, a person with a language disability would respond in the same ways. Children, too, often lack the language skills to articulate their feelings and problems, which leads them to express their emotions through actions rather than words.

Unfortunately, parents may misinterpret or dismiss their child’s behavior, which can intensify the child’s frustration. Many parents express their confusion: “My child did something wrong, but instead of apologizing, he just gets angry!” In reality, this behavior often stems from fear of criticism or feelings of shame. Their anger is sometimes a reflection of their inability to express these emotions adequately.

While adults can usually verbalize their feelings and navigate setbacks through language, children are still developing these skills. Language development plays a crucial role in emotional expression and regulation.

So when a child throws a tantrum, remember that it may stem from their struggle to articulate their feelings. Approaching the situation with patience and understanding can help you navigate these challenging moments more effectively.

3. “I lost my temper because I felt helpless.”
In psychology, there’s a saying: when a person loses their temper, it often reflects feelings of helplessness or powerlessness. For children, this outburst can be a disguised signal, a plea for help from those closest to them.

When children express anger, it may seem like they are trying to put pressure on their parents. In reality, they are asking for assistance: “I’m in trouble; please help me.” Their anger is a manifestation of their struggle for autonomy and self-esteem, revealing their underlying vulnerability.

Consider a scenario where a 6 or 7-year-old boy’s toy car is accidentally stepped on by an adult. When he cries, many may dismiss his pain, thinking, “It’s just a toy, why are you crying?” However, his tears reflect more than the loss of the toy; they signal his sadness over losing something he cherished. His crying is a call for help to calm him and alleviate his distress. Unfortunately, adult reactions can often make children feel that their emotions are dismissed, intensifying their upset.

One mother shared an experience of taking her 10-year-old son to get a haircut that left him nearly bald. He was particularly upset that night and refused to eat. The mother, puzzled, remarked, “You look so energetic now! How can you be so unhappy?” It was only later that her son expressed, “How can you let me go back to school like this?”

These seemingly grumpy, unappealing behaviors often mask deeper needs. Children seek understanding and support from adults. What they truly need is not a simple, “What’s wrong?” but rather, “I understand you, and I’m here to help.”

Children’s tantrums usually occur in familiar settings, demonstrating a level of trust in their caregivers. This trust can be a powerful avenue for support. By viewing your child’s outbursts as cries for help, you can avoid becoming an adversary and instead foster a more supportive environment for both of you.

4. How to Handle a Child’s Violent Temper
It’s easy to perceive a child’s temper as a challenge to authority, but stepping into their shoes often reveals a different perspective. When a child loses their temper, how can parents help calm them down?

The first step is understanding. Many parents express confusion, saying, “I don’t know how to soothe a crying child.” It’s important to remember that adults also experience moments when they lose control of their emotions, and we often struggle to manage them. Children, who are still developing their emotional regulation, may not handle their feelings any better.

Recognizing that it’s normal for children to experience intense emotions can help parents remain calm and not let irritability take over. A simple and effective approach is to crouch down to the child’s level and offer a comforting hug during their emotional breakdown. This physical connection can provide reassurance and help them feel safe.

“Instead of trying to stop tantrums, let them play out,” advises child psychologist Dr. Deborah McNamara. By experiencing the full cycle of their emotions, children can better understand and manage their feelings.

One effective technique is to refrain from making judgments and simply repeat the child’s words. For example, if a child is upset because they can’t buy a snack, you might say, “Do you really like that snack?” or “You’re sad because you can’t buy it today.” By articulating their feelings in language they understand, you provide validation. This seemingly simple repetition is often more effective than telling them to “stop crying,” as it conveys the message that “Mom understands me.” This approach not only reduces frustration but also encourages the child to open up.

It’s important to note that accepting a child’s feelings doesn’t mean condoning all their behaviors. When children lose their temper, they may act out by crying, breaking things, or even hurting themselves. In such cases, parents need to intervene. Gently hold the child in a safe space and help them calm down before discussing their behavior.

I’ve observed situations where parents ignore their child during a meltdown, thinking that “cold treatment” will help. However, this can be counterproductive. Instead, we should communicate that it’s okay to feel sad, angry, or afraid—what matters is how those feelings are expressed.

This process requires consistent guidance, teaching the child to use appropriate words and actions to express their emotions. When a child throws a tantrum, it’s truly a test for the parents. Our patience and understanding are crucial for their emotional development. Through understanding and guidance, children can learn effective emotional management.