Many parents notice a sudden change in their child’s behavior around the age of 2. Children might lie on the ground, throw tantrums, and refuse to listen, often responding with a defiant “no” to everything. This can be very challenging for parents to handle.

However, this behavior is actually a positive developmental milestone known as the “self-awareness germination period.” Before the age of 2, children don’t fully distinguish between themselves and others; they see their mother and themselves as one entity. As they reach around 2 years old, they begin to develop a sense of self, recognizing themselves as separate individuals with their own desires and abilities.

During this period, children are discovering their own skills and autonomy, which can lead to frustration because they are eager to do things on their own but often lack the ability to do so. They may become easily frustrated and have a temper because they are still learning how to manage their emotions and navigate their new sense of independence.

It’s important for parents to understand that this behavior is a normal part of development. Supporting their child’s growth and offering patience and guidance can help ease the transition as children learn to balance their newfound independence with their developing abilities.

In our brains, there’s an emotional switch that becomes particularly sensitive after the age of 2. This sensitivity can be understood as a self-protection mechanism. At this stage, children may react strongly to various external stimuli, such as not getting their shoes on, not being able to open a door, or experiencing minor frustrations. This can result in sudden outbursts of tears.

To visualize this, imagine a fist where the entire surface represents the cerebral cortex. The very front part of the fist, around the knuckles, is the prefrontal cortex, or the rational brain. People who are more intellectually developed generally have better emotional control because their prefrontal cortex is more advanced.

For children, the prefrontal cortex is still in the early stages of development and will continue to mature until around the age of 25. This ongoing development affects their ability to manage emotions effectively. Additionally, a child’s emotional competence is shaped not only by their genetic makeup but also by the environment in which they are raised.

Here are four brain-science-based tips to help break the cycle of yelling at your child, blaming them, and then repeating the cycle:

— 1. Address Your Own Fear of Crying

Consider how you respond emotionally when your child cries. Are you able to stay calm, or do you find yourself feeling overwhelmed? Reflect on what you truly want as a parent: to calm the child immediately, or to use these moments as opportunities for the child to develop better emotional regulation?Research shows that children process parental input in this order: emotion, behavior, then language. This means that when your child is crying, your own emotions are the first thing they perceive. Often, your frustration or impatience can escalate their distress.Instead of reacting with irritation or fear that the crying will continue, focus on managing your own emotions first. By calming your own fear of the child’s crying, you help reduce the emotional intensity and support your child’s development of better emotional regulation. Trust in your ability to handle the situation and believe in your child’s capacity to learn and grow from these experiences.

— 2. Accept Your Child’s Emotions and Offer Comfort

Emotions themselves are neither right nor wrong; it’s the behavior that matters. Children between the ages of 2 and 6 often display grumpiness, crying, and even physical outbursts, and this behavior is rooted in their brain development.

A child’s brain can be viewed in two layers: the lower brain, which handles basic emotions like crying and tantrums, and the upper brain, which regulates and controls these responses. When a child frequently uses crying to express their needs, they tend to rely on their lower brain. If the upper brain isn’t fully engaged, the child may struggle to manage their emotions effectively.

Yelling, blaming, or threatening only activates the lower brain, reinforcing the child’s reliance on crying. Instead, when your child is crying, try to offer a hug first, even if you don’t say anything. This physical comfort helps the child feel accepted and can help to ease their emotional distress, fostering a better environment for emotional regulation.

— 3. Identify the Cause of Your Child’s Crying and Engage Their Brain to Manage Emotions

When a child cries, it’s often a signal that they need help. To support them effectively, parents can use specific strategies to engage the child’s upper brain, which is responsible for emotional regulation.

(1) Acknowledge the Child’s Emotions Start by recognizing and validating the child’s feelings. You might say, “I see you’re feeling very anxious right now. Sometimes I feel anxious too, just like you. Let’s take a moment to calm down together.” This approach gives the child a sense of connection and helps them understand that their feelings are normal and acknowledged by you.

(2) Describe the Situation Offer a contextual explanation to help the child understand the situation. For instance, you could say, “I know you’ve been a good boy and usually follow the rules, but today you watched cartoons for an hour. Did you lose track of time? Remember the last time I forgot to pick you up from school? I was worried and rushed to get you as soon as I could. It’s okay to make mistakes; let’s talk about what happened.”

By guiding the child to reflect on recent events and explaining the context, you help them engage their upper brain. This helps them process their emotions more effectively and learn how to handle similar situations better in the future.